Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Doctor, Doctor

Monday Night:

I posted this in my blog only to remove it 5 minutes after.
Tired. Drained. Confused. Trapped in self conflict.

Sometimes, the selfish bastard in me snarls and rips my insides like a beast ravaging for new prey.
Sometimes, I don't know myself.
Sometimes, I don't know what I want.
Sometimes, I know what I want but everything legal and everything I ever believed in will be thrown out the window leaving shattered glasses on the floor, wounds that leave scars, and take life that will never return.
Someday, I will regret I ever published this.

Do not comment.

Talked with Jannette over the phone. We talked about how selfish I was. How I did not trust anyone. We didn't argue because I agreed with her. That night, I was more selfish than before. All thoughts, nothing really acted on. But still, thoughts.


I prayed and asked God for strength because I have a tendency for really imploding and asking questions that I only tire myself of. I asked Him if He can be real for me. If there was some wondrous way He can show He was real and still be there despite myself.

I left office at around 5PM+ because we had a photoshoot for the company website. No, I did not design it but I am hoping my face will be there. (do not laugh, I found out my face was used here a year after I left MMLDC!)

Upon arriving home, mom called. I forgot to drop the church keys to the secretary, so I leave again. Upong arriving home the second time, 15 minutes after, mom called again. Car broke down and I need to pick her up along with Nico (Earl's "Marlon"). The car was left parked in Jollibee, near Marikina's Marketplace. Upon arriving home the third time, I passed the time playing "Prince of Persia". 30 minutes later, mom was complaining about her really bad stomach ache. She asked to be brought to the hospital.

That was bad.

She was sweating cold and was pale. I drove. Janice (our house helper) was with us. Rain was moderate. Upon arriving to the hospital, a car was parked in front of the ER receiving section. Damn car. He moved. Mom was carried to bed while I parked the car. I don't like the parking there. Aside from being difficult, you have to go through a very narrow path: dust-like distance between your side mirrors and the wall.

When I got in, I came back to them. No action. I asked the doctor what was being done. Someone was asked to buy medicine for her. Medicine came. Injected. I was telling the doctor "Iba na kulay ng nanay ko". I don't call her "nanay". I call her "mama". Thiking about it, I don't know why I said that.

I have no idea what was injected on her, but she was claiming it did not work and her head ached like hell (she didn't say that, but it sure looked liked it). I told the doctor the situation. She had me buy medicines from the pharmacy, then she was injected with sedatives. Althroughout these I was filling out an index card for her registration. Funny, I filled it out my name on it and everything else was about her.

I just hear her utter "Jesus, Jesus...." again and again throuhout the pain. I prayed too.

My sister arrives. Doctor was telling me she needs to rest and asks us not to bother her. But mom was insistent on being bothered. I think she didn't want to rest fearing she might not wake up. She asked my sister to sing for her. I felt worse when she asked that. She sang "Heal me, O Lord."

I called up my brother because mom was looking for him too. He said he'll drop by. By this time, I was already thinking of the worst. Bills to pay, debts to settle...seriously, I was. I am soooo not ready for this. I was praying still. I've texted friends about it.

She finally seemed to rest. I asked the doctor for an update. Doctor said mom may go home after resting and it might be dyspepsia that got her. I remember that commercial in TV. If it was dyspepsia, I didn't think it would be that bad. I told her about mom's recent asthma attacks during our conversation.

Bro arrived with that usual serious look on his face. No trace of emotion whatsoever. Its fun to think that I should orient him to facial expressions 101. Mom seemed well afterwards. When I got back in she was talking with the doctor already. Doctor was giving possible causes for the attack. My sister was asking questions too. I asked the doctor 1 question: Are the new medicines being prescribed to her okay to take along with the asthma medicines she is currently taking. She said yes....

"You don't trust me, iho."

Ok. I needed that. I really did.

Lesson 1: I guess I should work on that one. I really should. I wondered how much I trusted God with my future and if what I am doing is based on THAT trust or my trust with myself.

We went home afterwards. This is the fourth time I got home. All was well. I texted and updated friends regarding the situation. I took responsibility of the car left in Marikina. I called RAP for help and he happily did. When we got there, we explained to the guards that we were there to pick the car up. I was checked for ID since my mom was the one who left the car. The guard helped us push the car on the highway, then RAP and I worked on tying the car on his pickup truck. That was fun because we were both guessing at what we were doing. So, it did work.

RAP was on his pickup truck, I was on the car. While he was driving (more like "while I was dragged"), I had another thought.

Lesson 2: When you're down and broken, ask a friend to help pick you up.

We got home and I thanked him for all the help.

Finally, I was really home. This was the fifth time in one loooong evening. Mom was resting in her room with my sister beside her. I was in my room.

I prayed and thanked God for everything. By this time, I had remembered my prayer to Him that morning. He is real and is still there for me. While it may have turned out differently, I know His plans are still the best. Yet, he answered my prayer.

Doctor, doctor my mother's sick. Please attend to her very quick.

Jesus, Jesus I am sick. You attended to me very quick.


1 comment:

Emmanuel said...

Amazing! God is faithful, and he avenges our prayers speedily. :)